Emotions (Originally posted February 19, 2007)

TRANSFERRED FROM LIVEJOURNAL As of today, this pregnancy is considered full-term!!! That means that if I were to give birth today, the baby would be completely ready for life outside the womb. I think that’s quite exciting, if you ask me. Especially considering the fact that Kiddo came so early and I was terrified of delivering too soon with this one. Even though I complain about being uncomfortable (and boy, am I uncomfortable!) I wouldn’t trade comfort for a pre-term baby. I said to Hubby the other day, “If this baby isn’t over 7lbs when it’s born, I think I might have to commit suicide!!!” I just said it because I’m SO huge at this point that it will be hard to believe I got this big for a baby that was less than 7lbs. Does that make sense? I’m not sure I’m really explaining myself well, either. The other thing that’s really bothering me is my emotional state. I go from being perfectly calm and loving to being absolutely infuriated in like 2 seconds. I screamed at Kiddo on Saturday and it was totally uncalled for. Granted, he was being a butt-head and he wasn’t listening, but he’s 2!!! What good does it do to scream at a 2 year old? All I succeeded in doing was making him cry; then I cried because I’d hurt his feelings and scared him. It was, needless to say, not a good day. I keep trying to tell myself it’s because I’m pregnant and my hormones are all screwy, but honestly I think it’s because I have not been able to take either my anti-depressant or my allergy meds since I became pregnant. I really do feel a difference emotionally when I’m able to take these things – I’m much more at ease with things and, well, even. Even. It’s really the only way I can describe how I feel. Right now, I’m all over the place and I hate it. I hate that I’m yelling at my poor little guy who isn’t doing anything he shouldn’t be doing at 2. It helped going to church on Sunday. The sermon was about marriage, but I kept thinking about my relationship with Kiddo. When church was over and I went to get him from the nursery, I crouched down (not a good thing to do in my advanced state of pregnancy – I couldn’t get up again!), took Kiddo in my arms, and whispered to him, “Buddy, I’m very very sorry that I yelled at you yesterday. I shouldn’t have done that and hope that you’ll forgive me. You’re a good boy and I love you very much.” He kissed me on the cheek, grinned at me, and said, “You shouldn’t have done that, Mommy. I love you so much.” Of course, I cried. (I’m crying again as I write this...) On another subject, I’m still in a panic about getting my house in order. It’s still such a disaster and we’re not ready at all!!! I can’t seem to impress upon Hubby how little energy I really have. He’s been good, and has cleaned the kitchen and picked up around his desk, but Kiddo’s room is still a disaster, Hubby’s room (remember, I’m sleeping on the couch right now) is so bad I don’t know how he even manages go in there, and we have nothing organized for the arrival of the new baby. On top of that, my very good friend GM’s mother came up to me at church on Sunday and reminded me that I was to make sure I called her to let her know when to start bringing the food over after the baby’s born! OMG! You mean I actually have to allow people access to my messy house? I have to organize the freezer? I keep forgetting that I’m a member of the Methodist church and that we seem to live for covered dishes!!! I know it’s supposed to be a time of joy, the birth of a new baby, but honestly all I can say is that I’m totally stressed out by the whole thing and have no energy at all to do anything about it. (GM, don't worry - it wasn't your mom that stressed me out...I promise!) Well, I guess I’ll finish off for now as I’ve written nearly 1000 words. I’m also listening to my new Josh Groban album, which doesn’t help with my emotions any (so beautiful). So I’m sitting at my desk typing all this highly emotional stuff, sobbing my eyes out, and hoping none of my co-workers happen upon the mess that I’ve become in the last 15 minutes. Love to all! TTFN JMS