Devil or Angel?

I had celery and 24oz of water for breakfast today. For lunch, I’m going to have a peanut butter & honey sandwich, an apple, and some carrots. I’ve got applesauce and a banana for snacks. I’ve managed to lose 3lbs but it feels like it’s been the fight of my life to get those pounds gone. I’ve been trying to be diligent – mindful of what I take in and my activity level. I seem to have no problem during the day while I’m at work – even though our cafeteria cooks the world’s most perfect bacon (the smell is mouthwatering and nearly impossible to resist), and even though I’ve got access to multiple vending machines with everything from sodas to cupcakes. At work...I’m steel. I’m stone. I even managed to resist getting a yummy pizza from the Mellow Mushroom yesterday, where Aaron and Regina ordered their lunch. I also sat through my own lunch (same as above) with them and watched as they ate said yummy pizza! I’m a rock! Yes, I was sorely tempted...but Aaron sweetly and lovingly reminded me of my goal. When I’m at home, though – it’s a completely different story. Last night, Jamie made wonderful oven-baked BBQ chicken, stuffing, peas & corn, and warm bread. I ate every bite of my own food, as well as what Greta didn’t eat. Then, after the kids reluctantly went to bed, I ate another piece of bread and finished off half a pint of mint chocolate ice cream while forcing myself to watch American Idol {{shudder}}. (I eventually switched to Criminal Minds, which I think is an infinitely better show.) I probably consumed more calories and fat in three hours than I did the entire day! I’ve also promised myself that I would not eat anything after 7PM. That’s not working to well, either. I guess I justify eating at home because I know I’ve consumed next to nothing of substance during the day, and although I’m eating enough to keep me satisfied, it’s the habit that I’m having a hard time kicking. I kicked cigarettes. You’d think I’d be able to quit snacking on unhealthy food, too! Sometimes, I hear the Little Engine That Could quietly chugging along inside my head saying, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...” and it motivates me to continue. Other times I hear, “Ah...what the hell...it doesn’t matter what you look like anymore - wife...mom...career. Who cares, right? You’re the only one who worries about it...” and that’s when I get frustrated and lose my motivation. I feel like I’ve got a little me dressed in white with a halo and wings sitting on my right shoulder whispering encouragement into my ear, and a little me, dressed in red with a tail and horns sitting on my left shoulder whispering poison. But at times like that, I need to remember that even though, yes, I am trying to do this for myself and for my self esteem, I am also doing this so that I will be healthy and live long enough to know my grandchildren. If that’s not motivation – I don’t know what is. Now if I can just stay away from the chocolate that seems to be everywhere when I don’t want it and nowhere when I do...I’ll be OK. TTFN JMS