I suppose I should begin this post with another disclaimer to let you know this is soul-bearing, raw, and completely honest. It's somewhat cathartic, although I know it really won't fix anything. And I know this is a side of things some people will say shouldn't be shown to the public, but...
I sat on the floor in the bathroom last night at 11 o’clock and leaned against the bathroom sink and just cried. Sobbed, really. I think I need a break. A real one. One where I'm not worrying about my kids and if they're okay or what they’re thinking, doing, saying, eating, if they’re warm and comfortable or need me. One where I’m not worrying about cleaning my house or figuring out what to put into a yard sale or about keeping up appearances or saying the right thing. One where I can have the squishy floor in the bathroom fixed without breaking a sweat over finances. One where I don’t have to worry about money or how I’m going to put gas in my car so I can get to work or where I don’t have to scrounge around for something to take for my own lunch so the kids can have a decent lunch at school. One where I wish I could be truly selfish, just for once. One where I don't have to worry about getting up if I'd rather sleep until noon. One where no friends are dying and where people aren't saying or doing hurtful things. One where if I ask someone to do something they'll do it, with no questions asked and I won't have to repeat myself. One where when I say something, it will actually be heard and no one will later say, “You never told me that!”
I guess I'm just tired in my body and in my soul.
I wish I didn't have to be ON all the time. That I didn't have to force myself not to cry at work when my "upset" has nothing to do with work.
I don't think the tears are done yet.
Bear with me.